HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
You Might Also Like
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.