HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD