Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.