wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
You Might Also Like
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Smooooooth
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.