HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow