Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Well, that didn’t work.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”