HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*