HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
6: are snakes just neck?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I can’t be the only one 😂
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no