HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
What about a To-Don’t List?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”