“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…