[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You Might Also Like
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
i want to work in this restaurant
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*