[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
bought wrong eggs
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember