[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator