HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
#ProTip
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…