Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business