Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If looks could kill
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.