@KizerBillhelm: HR says I'm not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
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@LoneWolfStories: Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?
@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
@XGroverX: I don't know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
@roggyie: If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.