@theevilwriter: HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone "if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person" even if we smile as we say it.
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@DontDraketheIce: Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto's Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
@david8hughes: "Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?"
@KalvinMacleod: Dave is coming over. Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave? Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.