HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.