HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
best first i’ve ever seen
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
A great tip. #CakeRex
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.