HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
How to woo a woman
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant