My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.