Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.