I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.