HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You Might Also Like
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.