Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.