life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security