HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My inexpensive home security system…
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.