HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.