Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old