HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Just parrot things
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!