The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.