“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
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There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.