If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.