HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
You Might Also Like
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
We found love in a hopeless place.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn