i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies