[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.