Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed