@CauseWereGuys: Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.

@TheFakeCNN: Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

@PuncherJetpack: "Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don't drink "You wanna be cool don't you?" I don't drink "C'mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop

@AndrewNadeau0: Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

@NoogsCorner: Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word "voluptuous."