My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I gave up going to work for lent.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.