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@tastefactory: DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
@TheCatWhisprer: No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."
@XplodingUnicorn: Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow? Me: Sure. Can't wait to see you. Him: I land at 5 AM. Me: I have no brother.