[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.