Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Cat is stressing him out.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.