@Scorpio1080: Sharks just aren't eating enough people.

@Kyle_Lippert: *plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

@CubanaMama82: The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

@pakalupapito: Friend: what time do you usually go to bed? Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

@joeldanger: When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T's on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.