me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Bike is short for Bichael.