@TheDreamGhoul: [inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@Overxposd: My Executive Director said to me "Well aren't you an eager beaver" I was like "Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???"

@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

@david8hughes: [parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."

@WilliamAder: Me: This "Fear the Walking Dead" show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.