@iheartgunts: "Don't let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father's actual sex talk with me when I was 13. Not. Even. Joking.

@eyeswidebutt: if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

@SteveKoehler22: My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece as a retirement gift for the boss.. We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee's gift card.

@dafloydsta: My 5 stages of grief: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Are you gonna eat that?

@fridaycandy: It's weird that 'coward' doesn't mean "towards a cow". *sips wine*