My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*looks at you in batman voice*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??