I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
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I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!