Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.