My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Goat cheese is for herders.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Sorry not sorry.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.