Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.