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@Chumpstring: ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn't go on me
@PhilJamesson: Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home!
Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
@mattwhitlockPM: This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies." ...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
@1_swarthy_dude: Coffee so strong, it still works even though you've disabled java.
@Elizasoul80: Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you're irritating the shit out of me.