Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer