A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Sooo many times…..
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.