(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
work smarter, not harder
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.